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CEO

CEO: /siːiːˈəʊ/


noun

  1. a chief executive officer, the highest-ranking person in a company or other institution, ultimately responsible for taking managerial decisions.


Reading this definition, who wouldn't want to be "the highest ranking person" in an organisation? It definitely fits my childhood ambition of being successful - typically driven by money and wealth, reward for being at the top of my career. I blame films; Sandra Bullock and Jennifer Garner living The American Dream - respected job, swanky flat, known for their coffee order, typically gorgeous partner - and I wanted it.


In reality, I wish I could say that becoming a director is more glamorous than it is. On 17th June 2015, I received an email from Companies House confirming that my payment of £21 (should have been £8 but registering as an Umbrella Company confused me) had gone through. Thanks to the ease of technology, in a click of a button, I was the director and only share holder of a company.


If only all other facets of business were this easy. Winging it is a preconception of running a business and I could not think of a better, more suitable, definition. I had no idea what I was doing in 2015 and I have no idea what I am doing now; although at this stage, it is less strategy confusion and more feeling lost. Why am I still doing this, what is the point? Hard work is not paying off, where do I go next and how do I get there? Working alone is tedious.


Director, said out loud or even written on Hinge, sounds impressive - but five years down the line and it is probably the furthest from this description. And I never thought about the 24/7 responsibilities that come with it. Constant thinking, planning, self-motivation, worry, comparison to other businesses and people (error) as well as always striving to make the 'right' decisions to ensure the 'best' outcomes, which can only set me up for disappointment. It is also exhausting and lonely - being my only employee means there's no-one to talk through my difficulties to nor bounce back ideas, lunch dates and Thursday drinks are out of the question. Plus, I may be CEO but there is definitely no rewarding salary - unless I convert all of the product I eat into cash...


The only truth in the word is that I can direct my choices from here. Do I keep going or do I give up?

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