I’m not one to write a diary, but I am a note maker: to-do lists, shopping, random quotes and thoughts, words of inspiration from listening to a podcast or reading a book (which in turn is often how these articles come to life).
Yesterday I was sorting out my bedroom side-drawer and found a notebook. I instantly knew what sort of information, dark little secrets, it held, and couldn’t read it.
Today, writing out the below is the first time I read it from start to finish. More difficult than I anticipated, parts of it broke my heart, to be honest, and I cried at one point.
My last entry was also the day before my first therapy appointment, second time around, on 28th June 2019.
January 2018
Why do I feel fat?
What’s making me feel anxious about putting on weight?
I’m slim
I’m fit
I have eggs! Hopefully babies one day
I’m trying a career - if it doesn’t work, other opportunities!
How I look shouldn’t matter
Own belief/ feeling of size
Am health, slim, strong - why should I care of opinions when nobody said fat!
Don’t compare - want to look stronger but enjoy lifestyle of moving & eating & drinking => enjoying myself!
If met someone would probably care less - like me for me & so should I!
Stop applying pressure
Get NB mojo back
Stop obsessing over leg dimple/ photos/ weight
Unspecified date
I care more about how I look than feel
Think have orthorexia - don’t like feeling eaten ‘bad’/ then binge of other foods to make most of day…
Unspecified date
Don’t like feeding cellulite; had since 16 inevitable won’t go!
26th February 2018
Being lazy
Step. It. Up!
7th March 2018
3 weeks to holiday
Only allowed NB 2 x week
Had Wed so only once weekend
Detox - write down meal plan
No cheese, dairy, carbs min., no fruit
[Grains, protein, veg, avocado]
11th March 2018
PROMISE
Before holiday: go in 3 weeks
Want to feel health
I promise
No sugar }
No nuts } unless in restaurant
No NB }
No honey/ dates
21 days = easy
Think of body
How feel sick if binge
STOP
If need something
Yog, oats… fruit?
Only allowed fruit weekend (unless in restaurant)
Coffee
|||||||| since lent
=> 8 in 33 days, 4.71 weeks, 2 a week!
NOT ANOTHER
Only allowed Saturday market
Gives headache
Don’t feel guilty! Never regret
But choose healthier
|| 2 more since Sunday
=> 10 in 36 days
=> 2 a week still…
30th April 2018
Feel anxious am large
Cellulite
Too much food
Start detox
May no NB
30th April 2018 => MAY
NO NB FOR 1 MONTH
Food Plan
Proper food
Brek Oats + yog Oats Eggs + avocado Veg + avocado
Lunch Veg Eggs/ protein Grains/ carbs Avocado Hummus?
Snacks Veg Yog
Dinner Carbs/ grains Protein Veg Quinoa or pasta or rice Chorizo or feta Fish
Day 1
Oats (C)
Coconut yoghurt (F)
Coffee, oat milk (treat) (F/S)
Chickpea pasta (C)
½ avocado (F)
Veg (V)
Cheese (F)
Lemon, oil, basil sauce (F)
Unspecified date 2018
Turn sadness into motivation
Want a salary = get one!!!
Need to sell ___ jars a year
3rd May 2018
No alc until Lisbon
Coffee half month only
OR brunch/ markets/ meetings
Makes me feel like cellulite
NONE at brek - go to parent’s have green tea!
7th May 2018
Coffee
Max. 2 a week (markets)
Go back to wanting, not association
Green tea NOT coffee
Lose the cellulite!
Feel good after no coffee
Between 11-1pm hard! Green tea time
No choc except Saturday
W/C 7th May 2018
Coffee: |
✔️No sugar / limited fruit
NB => stop!
Unspecified date
Detox (Nuttox) Plan
Choc only weekends
No NB unless 2 tbsp (start June)
2 coffees a week
Saturday 12th May 2018
Oats + coconut yog
Chorizo
Cod
Vegetables
1½ date
Chocolate 100g
Sunday 13th May 2018
Oats
Coconut yog
LUNCH OUT
Choc
Vegetables
Unspecified date
How I feel
Fit, strong
Chubby
Big face
62.5kg
Aim 59kg
Try 4 weeks health
Coffee x 2 week max.
4 days => 60kg
4 pounds
Insecure
Uncomfortable
Dimpled
Large
Unspecified date
Day 1
Veg
Salmon
Kimchi
Oat coffee* treat (wasted)
Day 2
Veg
Toast
Avocado
Halloumi
Haddock (smoked paprika)
Starts Sunday 20th May 2018
10 weeks until wedding
60kg / 59kg
NB twice a month
Coffee at markets/ twice a week max.
Measurements:
Thighs:
Waist:
Arms:
Smaller portions
Enjoy actual treats
Choc on w/e
Yoghurt
Exercise 4 times a week
MAY => ONWARDS!
[Insert coffee calendar that I wrote out and cross-checked what days I had a coffee with ‘c’}
Unspecified date
If I don’t make a change, body/ mind won’t change
W/ 6th June
7 weeks 4 days
Dress alterations Friday 29th June
Choose to eat healthy
Avoid cacao/ choc other than w/e
Don’t exercise 24/7
59kg in 3 weeks (lose 3kg)
Healthy, happy, strong
Don’t need NB to feel satisfied
4 jars a month
Unspecified date
No binge eating - enjoy!
Unspecified date
Hit a low energy cycle
Goal is still there
Fight still within me
Do I want to give up?
Why did I start this in the first place?
5th October 2018
Need to look after myself
Lifestyle self-care
More daily - because I like to
Eat well & balanced
Listen to body and what I feel like
Nuts are not healthy in my quantities, may as well eat brownie & ice cream
Start fresh Fri 5th
Am happy and never guilt because always enjoy
Time to focus on health
7 days off nuts/ choc - NOT depriving, as still eating out and other treats
Tick off each day
Don’t think about food as part of day - is just fuel and energy source!
Eg. oats and fruit; smoothie; soup; salad; sweet potato; pasta; fish; hummus; kimchi; cheese; veg; rice; eggs; avocado
LOTS of delicious foods I love and will satisfy me in some way. Doesn’t need to be choc or nuts! Relying on a habit and association of feeling good
Changing mindset!!
Love coffee & disciplined to have 1 a day; apply same to nuts. Same concept
Unspecified date
Remember
Nothing I achieve reflects on size/ image - didn’t get Ocado, award, uni, school because of appearance
Understand my body
I am worthy
Friends like me - not size
Unspecified date
Achieve
Can’t compare if I don’t feel like working hard enough
Can always do more
Start mapping out week - day by day
Structure week
Get intern for marketing/ sales
Try to push myself out comfort zone & plot next steps
Unspecified date
POSITIVITY
Nobody actually cares
What I eat
How I move
If I go gym
If I binge on nuts
What I look like
Turned over a new leaf
Self love =? Taking care of body ie. treating myself but not making myself feel sick; knowing when to stop whilst enjoying. Weekend more flexible, week more disciplined!
Unspecified date
Run up to Christmas
Routine!
Brek/ lunch/ dinner
Choc/ cacao on weekends
Find discipline & healthy feelings/ cravings
1 tsp a day max. If I want it
Read this reminder of heart health if I want more!
Already broken 6th November 2018
Realistic - 30g a day IF want it;
No obligation
Unspecified date
Don’t be afraid of appointments => GOOD to get results. Once a year
I want to know what’s happening inside - time to look after my body. Listen, care and appreciate!
5th May 2019
Don’t let negative demons into head - enjoyed coffee! Enjoyed choc (even if did binge eat too much) and is new day tomorrow! Don’t let negative thoughts ruin nice weekend. I’m healthy, I work out, I enjoy food a lot - and so it’s a blessing I can! Don’t let one thought (or body dysmorphia) affect me.
9th May 2019
Even if didn’t necessarily fancy the desert of choice, it tasted fantastic - and had more of our pure enjoyment. Nothing I eat or drink should make me feel body anxious or values less - I AM STILL BEAUTIFUL and nobody else cares, notices or likes me less. Heavier, curvier or less toned - they like my brain, personality and me as an all rounder
27th June 2019
Busy day but felt like I wasted my mocha ration by getting it with Bella; when knew I made better one. Could’ve opted for normal iced coffee instead - but at the time, I wanted it. Need to shrug off and see bigger picture that can choose differently next time. Blaming café; next try dept. again when alone and enjoy.
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