Being at war is the only way to describe it - two voices in battle in my head.
One voice is saying eat breakfast, get a mocha, have cheesy pasta tonight, don’t skip lunch you know that is not the kind of person you want to be.
The other is fighting to be heard. You’ve already gained weight; you feel ‘fat’ now, imagine what breakfast, lunch and pasta is going to do to you. Having not received any validation that you look ‘good’ - after weight gain - and being single, still - isn’t that enough proof that your bigger body is unattractive.
I tried to voicenote my sister about feeling insecure and needing reassurance - call it egocentric or self-centred - but my voice broke on saying ‘insecure’. I couldn’t say it out loud.
Hearing these voices constantly criticise me, my perspective is fragile, so I cried to myself instead. Then I wrote this, then I sobbed some more.
The level of discomfort I feel in a bigger-than-before body without being complimented (I know it shouldn’t be about that) is hard. I’m afraid I’m ugly and I don’t know what to do.
No financial or career success to increase my worth and attractiveness, and nobody (unbiased) to normalise change, what may be unnoticeable to others is highlighted to me. I don’t feel like a catch on paper and I don’t feel visually appealing in person.
I look back, envious of my older, smaller, self - wishing that I looked like this now. Even though I was just as unhappy; if I still feel unhappy now, I don’t know how I ever won’t be. My body is usually the only one I would rely on to make me feel better. Although I’m trying not to resort back to this mindset, if anything it makes me more uncomfortable. Doing nothing except try to accept new parts of myself. Unfortunately I'm not my best friend.
Another reason I don’t think running a business is good for me. Being single, working alone, being so inside my head takes its toll. Some days, I don’t know how to pick myself up when all facets of life revolve around and derive from me. I want to be un-phased and confident like those I see and yet I continue to feel self-conscious. Too much time spent overthinking. Careful not to get worse or do the wrong thing. Especially at the moment when my business isn’t empowering me, it’s draining me.
With only an eating disorder as my other half - and definitely not compatible at that - can I really be, will I ever be happy without thinking about my body?
*I don’t intend to be insensitive through the language I use nor do I want others to think this about themselves. All experiences and feelings are personal to me.
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