If money is the only, main, indicator of 'success', my business, as it stands, is worthless - it has no financial value or external/ investor attractability. This in turn makes me question my worth, makes me believe I am worthless, even.
In terms of education and how I was brought up, input = output; work hard and get good results; without doing the work, success will not follow.
According to these definitions, business is failing and, being its only employee and advocate, I am also failing. To do more, achieve more, make it more successful, make me more successful.
I want to say that running a business is fulfilling, I want to be happier with the pride of creating something from scratch, being brave enough to follow it through - ‘impressive’ as others often say. I was fearless in 2015, then I got to the point of realising it can affect me. Since 2018, it has been an upward hill and difficult feelings are hard to ignore when my brand's ‘success’ directly impacts me.
Majority of my time is spent on my own, working alone, and pursuing a passion takes sacrifices. I think I will look back in a few years time and wish I had been more spontaneous, less affected by the overwhelm, time/energy/career/financial worry and anxiety - mostly the eating disorder that makes me retreat and want to do nothing. Not that I have the ability to talk to or organise drinks with colleagues - but I equally don’t want to socialise with friends. My comfort zone, doing nothing, is the most appealing option.
You could argue that I should use this self-awareness to my advantage, motivation to turn things around and not allow myself to end up in said retrospective situation. I argue with myself too because, yes, I could - but the eating disorder, its toxic voice and projections of what worst case scenario ‘could’ happen, is still a part of my life and still scares me. So isolation is in part punishment for not working hard enough - believing I do not deserve to go out, drink, socialise, have fun - whilst at the same time a responsive mechanism to my fear of facing fears. Because when life feels too heavy, the last thing I want to do is put myself out there and try to overcome them. Alcohol, overconsumption and being judged and/or criticised is a handful of a much longer list.
As a result, failing at business makes me fail elsewhere. Failure to ignore the eating disorder voice, failing to eat a meal, failing to say yes to drinks or dinner with friends, failing to date, failing to live a care-free life, most importantly failing at the greater task of prioritising what’s important - in my case, getting a regular period back as a result of restrictive and obsessive behaviour. So although I can’t project the future, I think I will come to regret these moments, turning inwards when life becomes too confusing; lost in a space of what to do next and where to go.
I am not trying to put people off running a business (nor bring the mood down), many may not struggle with both mental health and self-employment/ entrepreneurship simultaneously. This is how it affects me. The reality of my journey, my experience of hard work not paying off, or not quick enough for my liking, and thus dealing with feeling like a failure. Especially how the latter affects my day-to-day motivation, business as usual, and personal life.
Failure is also subjective. My definition will differ from other people’s definition. Self-employment is naturally a bit of a black hole. Higher expectations met with a lower success rate of achieving goals. Its landscape is bigger, more vast than most jobs and there is always more territory to cover. But feeling like a failure has nothing to do with anyone else or their situation, achievements, even, it is personal to my circumstances.
Because from looking at my brand on Instagram, you could say that it’s a successful business, “looks amazing”. Surely that counts for something. Behind the scenes of this facade, the images and stories, highlight reel and charades, if I were to categorise and define my brand by what ‘success’ really looks like, what it really means to me - is it paying off? Far from it.
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