Holiday

Monday 13th June

Yesterday, my parents booked a holiday. They mentioned it over the weekend, I showed interest (of course, it felt like an allusive ‘might’) - but one day later, it’s booked. The three of us will be on a flight in three weeks’ time.

Last night, on hearing the news, I felt a mixture of anxiety and worry. I don’t feel like I deserve it (and felt reassured by the knowledge of taking my laptop).

I also don’t want to tell my friends. I appreciate going away is a privilege - and am so grateful - but equally want to keep the news to myself; afraid of what they think, mostly being seen as spoilt.

Surely I have not worked hard enough to be going away, surely I should be on the same salary as my parent's to be able to afford it, my career has not paid off yet to be able to take trips like this, not spontaneously in less than a month - God forbid when I want to.

I am also trying really hard not to think about my body in this situation, softer than it used to be; the last time we went away, I was smaller, more toned than now. Part of me wants to retreat back to excessive and restrictive behaviour - when it comes to going on holiday, I want to be admired and 'attractive'. I want to look good in a bikini.

Especially because holidays remind me of being single (is it because of my weight?). I cannot stay in a room for two (well, I could, but refuse to) and am jealous of my friends’ jet-setting with their partners. Longing for these romantic - and totally imaginary - moments, not sleeping on the sofa in my parent’s room at nearly 29 years old. Until someone (unbiased) loves me, unfortunately mission #SummerBody is still a-go.

I am ashamed to admit that I even tried on a few Summer outfits this morning to reassure myself that I am ‘ok’. I still fit them (give or take a few squats and bends) and this, in my eyes, is a ‘success’. I feel ‘better’ now, more excited about going on holiday; knowing that at least I have not gained enough weight to outgrow old clothes makes me feel worthy.

Eating disorder recovery is never easy. I fear the results of freedom (supposedly getting 'fat') just as much as I feel disappointed for not being confident enough to challenge them more. Still self-conscious, still in the mindset of needing to ‘earn’ my reward, compensate now to make up for consuming more on holiday. Annoyed, sad and angry all in one - because all decisions are my own responsibility and, right now, I care too much about how I look - including other people’s opinions - than feeling secure as I am. More importantly, than looking forward to what really matters. Going on holiday.

Am I being ungrateful for wanting more than this?