Living with an eating disorder is like having a second job, I am consistently trying to manage, progress and succeed at both.
JOB #1 - Eating Disorder
Rather than my first and foremost thoughts being on a work task at hand (scheduling social media content, for example), my energy is put to use elsewhere: going on a walk or the gym, prolonging hunger signals, thinking about whether I am 'allowed' chocolate; planning what to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, or should I just go for a coffee - and if so, where? Let me check their Instagram and see if it looks worth it. Oh, that triple pizza and fudge brownie also looks nice, which carries me away thinking about 'treats' I want, am craving - and 'could' and would love to eat - and yet feel guilty just thinking about; and thus will probably never buy let alone enjoy.
JOB #1½ - Recovery
To recover from the eating disorder is to get a promotion from Job #1. To be free of its rules and learn that I am worthy and deserving of a purposeful, happy life, regardless of what I look like. This job requires new responsibilities and challenges everything I have believed in since my late-teens. Sounds good, right? Unfortunately, I must consciously go outside my comfort zone and break my own habits. Nobody else can help. It is unbelievably challenging and almost impossible. Ignoring the eating disorder voice ("I will not be judged or disliked if I gain weight; cellulite is not bad; I do not need to go the gym") provides the same apprehension, fear and adrenalin rush that comes with a job, like cold calling a supplier or public speaking. If I want to succeed and progress to recovery, it has to be done, I have to stay motivated, positive and optimistic. Even though it makes me feel sick. (Doesn't help that my boss favours Job #1 and the only one to hold me accountable).
JOB #2 - Business
Alongside Job #1 and Job #1½ is my actual "day job" of running a business. This includes accounting, pitching to stockists and the tedious chase, manufacturing, social media, supply chain and sales. Although I am confident in its growth and mission - to spread feel good energy - all of the above takes time. Time which, as you can see, is spent flippantly. One step in the wrong direction - feeling worried, overwhelm or stressed - and the eating disorder chimes in, points its finger and blames me. Calls me lazy for not working hard enough*, not doing enough, and thus demotes me back to Job #1. VAT? I'll do it later. Time for a walk.
*It can be argued that taking myself off for a walk in the middle of a work day is more unproductive than finishing off a newsletter. A vicious circle.
I struggle to detach myself from these two jobs because they are derivatives of my brain and go hand in hand. I constantly get frustrated at my compensatory behaviour, the idea of needing to prove my productivity to earn living and accept myself. Continuing to beat myself up every time I hit a roadblock. What's worse is I catch myself at the end of the day, week, month or year wondering, "Would I be further along in my career if I stopped wasting time thinking about food and my body and focused on business growth instead?"
Yes. Maybe. Probably not. I'll never know. It's a sad thought and yet one that motivates me to keep pursuing recovery and persisting with business. I can only move forward - and at the end of the day, if I really feel challenged and overwhelmed by Job #2, I could just give it all up, right? I could find another job, take my skills and learnings and go elsewhere. This is my passion, granted, a job I love - but health is wealth, the most important human function you would tell your friend, sibling, peer to prioritise in a heartbeat.
As mentioned earlier, both running a business and living with an eating disorder - my boss, colleague, after-work drink buddy and lunch date, ironically - come hand in hand. Two intertwining job roles. The same boss (and not the greatest, it seems). To give up, sure, easy. But I am still its biggest advocate, so where does that leave me then?
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