My therapist made a good point today. It is a lot easier to talk about something that happened in the past than to talk about something still happening in the present. In fact, this is quite normal. With any situation that is personal to us, we tend to brush over the surface rather than open up to the real, raw, often uncomfortable pain.
I admitted to living with an eating disorder in May 2020 but still struggle to explain my challenges, wobbles and slip-ups on a real-time basis. I keep quiet, the same as when I first encountered the eating disorder in 2011. An internal pressure to keep this front of being 'ok' without drawing attention to the shame and embarrassment I feel towards my actions. Even though there is nothing to be ashamed about - this invisible illness is just as difficult to overcome as any other illness, visible or not; although it does make it harder, less relatable. Nevertheless, I talk in the past tense to protect myself, as though the eating disorder ceases to exist.
As much as I can hide it, the eating disorder will probably always be a part of me - and when lockdown 2.0 was announced, this time I decided to share a few of my real-time experiences.
The eating disorder wants me to bodycheck more often because if I look 'ok' (according to diet culture standards) then life is 'ok', I'm fine!
When I am tired I put pressure on myself to be more productive. To avoid being 'lazy' and prove that I have a purpose in life - am worthy of existence.
I feel like any sugar I have consumed has instantly turned into cellulite. This makes me feel 'fat', which (according to diet culture standards) is 'bad'. I am afraid my friends and family will notice and judge me ("she let herself go").
I have had three mochas this week; although it is one of favourite drinks, at the time I questioned whether I am 'allowed' it.
After one of the mochas, I nearly skipped lunch due to fear of over-consumption and weight gain. Had I been productive enough to deserve it?
I often caught myself over-thinking what I ate; 'I should have had x not y' - craving the 'best', 'right', 'perfect' outcome when other parts of my life feel unstable and uncertain.
I haven't had a rest day from exercise in a while. Although I really enjoy moving, the eating disorder calls me 'lazy' if I want to sit at home all day and this in turn makes me feel 'bad'. I am not recovered enough to combine food freedom with intuitive movement.
I consciously didn't mention doing a pilates class to my sister. I panicked, afraid she would think I am over-exercising or doing it from a place of 'should' not 'want'. (Is this my gut feeling instead?).
My friend invited me over for a takeaway and I nearly cancelled out of fear of being 'unhealthy' and going outside my comfort zone.
I am also fed up, angry, even, for having to oversee everything in a business. The brain energy it requires is draining - and yet I see no tangible rewards nor receive praise or external encouragement for my efforts. And yet still, I can't step away.
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