Today is my friend's 30th birthday celebration.
The day is not even about me and yet I have a lump in my throat, I feel a bit nervous, anxious. I don’t really want to eat - and am prolonging breakfast as it is - because I am scared of later consumption. Heightened awareness of my thighs rubbing and my body feeling different to the last time I saw my friend's friends.
I know I have boundaries and am ultimately in charge and control of today, I also know I feel like this because they know of my past and have seen my other-eating-disorder-half.
The 'anorexic' one. The one obsessed with food and exercise. How I used to look. That burden of an eating disorder is like a Scarlet Letter scorched on my dress. I am not be the person I used to be - and can’t determine or predict their thoughts - but they might remember these details. I can’t help but feel exposed to being compared to my old self.
Entering an event and seeing people I haven't seen in months, years, even, always makes me feel vulnerable, as though they will judge me regardless of my decisions. I don’t want to be looked at, seen eating or not; I’m scared my choices will be remarked upon and/or criticised regardless of what they are. If I say no to cake - “she’s got an eating disorder” - if I say yes to cake - “I’m surprised she’s having some.” There might not even be cake. (Ironically, there wasn't).
Today is not about me, and nobody is probably, hopefully, going to care - and yet this opportunity and susceptibility for judgement is suffocating me. All I can think about is how they see me now versus how they saw me before. What will they say?
Based on the circumstances, my head is in protective mode, pre-assessing, overthinking and projecting the worst. Making me feel nervous. As soon as I arrive at the station and meet another friend, I am confident the tightness in my chest will release and anxiety will pass through like my first glass of Prosecco.
I am not the person I used to be and if anyone has anything to say or think about me - it is coming from their own place of insecurity. It has nothing to do with me. I deserve enjoyment too, to do whatever I want, and I will have a nice time, however present and consuming these feelings are right now. (If it sounds preachy, that is exactly right - what I am doing to help myself feel reassured and confident).
This day is not about me - and so the least I could do is to stop thinking that it is.
*I also have no judgement towards my friend or her friends, all feelings are personal to me only.
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