Nerves

Apparently, being nervous derives from the same receptors as being excited, so when you feel nervous you are actually excited you just don’t realise it (don’t quote me on that).

I am always nervous, probably 75% of the time, because I care so much - about recovery, business, my future, career, ambitions, success; I want to be rich and travel and get married to someone I spend the rest of my life with (no pressure).

Eating disorders are particularly vile because fear prompts overthinking, overanalysing and being a perfectionist to ensure I achieve the ‘right’ outcome. Failing to do this, making mistakes, makes me nervous (and unhappy).

Probably why going out of my comfort zone is especially grim - I have this idea of a perfect life and every little microscopic detail counts towards my happy ending. From as insignificant as buying a coffee - will it make me feel energised or anxious, or worse, cellulitey - to saying yes to a new business opportunity. Decision number one is choosing to or not to, the resulting outcome - reward versus regret - is out of my control. Decisions that could just as easily go the ‘right’ way as much as they could go ‘wrong’.

I see the future I want and yet no amount of pressure is getting me there, I continue to hold my life back - because in the time spent weighing up whether or not I deserve pizza for dinner (have I earned it, really?), time has passed and I have not moved forward. Or at all for that matter, literally stood Googling what said pizza looks like and if I really want it - if it will be worth it. (More often than not, I end up cooking).

Feeling nervous is the biggest role player in recovery, more so than in business. I back my brand, its mission and product, I do not back myself or my body, especially as it physically changes. In any event, I am more concerned about me being seen, how I come across, how I perform and if others will judge me on my appearance. I know I do.

The eating disorder tells me I am ugly, unattractive and look chubby. I can barely handle seeing photos of me at the moment; I have always hated my legs but now that I don’t like my arms - what if I end up with nothing to love?

I already feel like I have lost my sense of reason, worth, purpose, belief as to why someone would accept my heavy baggage of my business (literally and figuratively); gaining weight on top of this - risking my image, what I have relied on for years to help me feel ‘better’ about life - I have everything left to lose.

Recovery for this reason makes me nervous.

Sitting in an uncomfortable rough patch and forcing myself to stay put - an outcome that is not at all desirable. My head (brainwashed by insensitive diet culture messages) says, what if I get ‘fat’ and die alone? If I am single now, I don’t think I can handle any more than my own rejection. Who will I become (and what will I look like)?

Fear comes hand-in-hand with nerves and on the other side lies results. Where I go from here is important, what really matters to me the most? I am constantly nervous to try what I’m scared to do, but the eating disorder is winning - I want my next move to count.

Perhaps redefining weight gain as energy and nerves as excitement - about life, social events, taking risks, food confidence, freedom from shame and failure, the finish line of recovery (if there is one) - really is the key to happiness.

It sounds promising, but sure as hell doesn't feel like it.