I don't mean to be vulgar but an eating disorder is fucking hard work. Business is frustrating - I could endlessly rant about how nobody takes risks on new products that are literally stand-alone in their category - but there is no win with mental health. I always have a lump in my throat; I'm always scared and worried about weight gain, what might happen.
When I should be proud of getting my period back or buying new jeans to replace a pair that literally mark my stomach for being so tight (can barely walk in them anymore) - but I can’t be proud of what this means for recovery. Enjoying myself more, prioritising what I want to do and putting my health and happiness first. Instead I only see and hear what this visually means. Weight gain, what will people think. Am I now unattractive? (Can others see it?).
I really try to see the positives - and I can for other parts of my life - but whenever it is specific to how I look, as I'm sure anyone going through similar knows, it's really hard to reroute negative thoughts. And as for anyone who works alone, lives alone, is single and has an eating disorder - my only current life partner - I often run out of self-belief.
For a change I want someone else to champion and reassure me that my worries are all in my head. Perhaps that’s a too self-centred, superficial way to see things but I'm treading on eggshells at the moment. I can't overthink or talk out loud about business, what I'm doing with my career (my life), time not spent looking for love; and especially not body change.
Anxiety is sat right in the pit of my stomach; if I think about eating out and having chocolate for dessert, going out again on Saturday, that panic is surface level and ready to swamp me, make me feel sick. I'm also on the brink of tears - less out of sadness, more to release my congested head. Going round in circles about what I am going to do next.
There is no win with an eating disorder. Either way, recovery means I'm failing to look (subjectively) 'good', and this is hard to hear and see. Especially when, in the past, when I feel unrewarded, let down by my brand, I relied on my body to achieve a feeling of success. The problem with having a business so attached to my worth, now I feel like nothing.
It scares me more because if my 'now' is still anxious, what will next stages of recovery bring?
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