I have to consciously not overthink body change. Otherwise it will get to me that I no longer look or feel how I used to. I will not regard change as a good thing, it will only be negative. Playing ignorant is more bliss than looking for, seeking out, change. Trying not to care in a world that cares too much and has too many opinions.
From my understanding, people acknowledge fitting old clothes, squeezing into them, even, more than any mention of upsizing. Never, “she bought bigger jeans to celebrate living a happy diet-free life (hurrah)!” Nobody seems to desire this.
Proclaiming out loud that I am outgrowing clothes in comparison - that my jeans are tight and yet I am holding on to them to keep trying to wear them and avoid failure to fit them when in fact I should probably just buy more - feels like defeat. Drawing attention to it does not receive the same praise. Usually silence, “mmm”, or, "good for you" (is it, or are you really thinking better you than me?).
Typically, the way I'm wired, my narrative favours the negative. I can't help but feel resentful in going through this alone. Like, thanks for the reassurance. I feel sick in this transitional period of change - and want to resort back to fitting my old jeans comfortably - and so am glad to hear your wisdom, that it doesn’t matter, clearly. Cue silent thought that I am more than material, more than clothing, more than these fucking jeans that I am sucking my stomach in to breathe and squatting to fit.
(To my friend's defence, she did agree with me and chucked out tight jeans to buy a new pair - I can't tell you how revolutionarily refreshing this was to hear!).
In an ideal world, I wish that nobody cared. Nobody had any desire to change their body and thus we ate and moved however we pleased - not result driven or goal oriented. Including ‘maintaining’ body weight, which can often be just as restrictive. On a more selfish level, I wish that nobody was influenced by diet culture - and thus had no protective measures (or rules) in place - to help me feel less threatened by ‘small’ labels and make my recovery journey that much easier.
Being the only one I know of in my close circle of friends and family seeking food-and-exercise freedom, gaining weight as a result and trying to accept it, feels like me against the world. I never see, hear or talk about others going through something similar. As with most of my twenties, running a business, being single, recovery yet again is something to do on my own. Feeling lonely never leaves - and for once I just want to not be the only one involved.
I want to tell someone I have gained weight without feeling embarrassed, (sort of) hoping they compliment me regardless of this being the ‘unusual’ thing to compliment. I want to laugh about my jeans not fitting and for them to say me too! Someone who understands or can at least appreciate that anyone, universally, would probably feel insecure, self-conscious and uncomfortable in clothes that feel different, tighter, than how they used to fit. And we laugh about it together, maybe even high five! I want to feel validated and normal, not pitied, especially not be seen as doing the ‘wrong’ thing. Because if clothes fit differently, surely this should be due to weight loss, not the other way round, right?
However many inspiring and motivating quotes I read online; however many eating disorder advocates tell me 'I have been there too', ‘it will get better’, ‘recovery is worth it’; regardless of whether or not others notice the minute changes of my body as much as I do - I do, and growth is hard to sit with. I consistently struggle. Years of living according to a toxic belief system does not change overnight. Challenging it not only affects my way of thinking but also how I physically look, tangible proof of weight gain.
Maybe it is all in my head, still. Maybe I am still holding on to one comment I once saw or heard (like Miranda in Sex & The City when she fits ‘those’ skinny jeans). Because whilst I am trapped here, wishing and hoping for others to be carefree - people are simply living their life. I am projecting opinions they may not have and scenarios that might not apply. Sadly, it is me that cares too much and thus I am the one still affected. My choices are all my own doing.
Unfortunately - or fortunately, depending on which way you look at it, how motivated you feel at the time - recovery demands change. Outgrowing clothes, outfits from years ago, opting for bigger sizes, is not really by choice or feel-good but as a result of following this care-free attitude I so want and aspire to. No longer restricting myself and breaking free from rules that have led/dictated my life thus far and that I have worshipped for far too long. Growing for a better cause (I say through gritted teeth).
And if I can accept that my mind is not where it was two, three, even ten years ago, why can I not accept that my jeans from 2019 don’t fit the same either?
*What’s worst of all is, at the time of writing this, I am wearing one of the pairs of said jeans, and I feel ‘good’ for it. Definitely a bad sign.
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