I don’t like not being seen, like I’m invisible, I don’t matter; I feel worthless, especially at a time when I want to be heard and need someone to reassure or be there for me, that’s when it hurts; I’m lonely, a lot of the time. Not in a sad or unhappy way but I’m more used to my own company than having a constant partner by my side. I have people to share with, but they have their own person to share with, I’m not the priority. And when I’m lacking confidence and security, and it's only me, it’s hard to see a different perspective. The idea of being in the wrong and being told off makes me anxious.
Think that’s one of the reasons why I write, really; quite self-indulgent but I want other people to see what I’ve done, credit where credit is due. Not only to prove that I’ve tried - self-employed but I am working! - but also to gain others' respect, like fair play to you. Stroking my own ego to be able to breathe a sigh of relief. I’m being productive, I haven’t been and am still not not wasting time or energy into a business that hasn’t succeeded, even after eight years; regardless of this, I’m not being judged.
Working alone is isolating. The best feeling is to think I worked really hard on something and am proud of it, the worst feeling is when I feel like the only one who appreciates or sees it for what it is - nobody to celebrate or share the outcome with; being product-led, I don’t see customer’s experiences, I rarely hear from them or see first-hand them buying into it. My position and input doesn’t feel validated, I don't feel validated.
In these moments, I choose the path of instant gratification; the eating disorder hands it to me on a silver platter. If my duty is to achieve, if my career isn’t attractive enough, I need something to counteract it and make up for this personal lack; everyone’s going up in the world and I’m staying still. Rather than starving myself and/ or over-exercising, what I really need is for someone to say, me too, to feel less alone and be ok, you're ok, I’m ok.
As I approach 30, I don’t want my greatest regret to have been trading what I want in the bigger picture for what I want in the moment. But I did, and I do. When addicted it’s hard not to - and I believe the eating disorder has taken away my potential for hard work and success; it has taken copious times where I could’ve been focused, I could’ve been building momentum; its validation always looked more appealing than sitting in my hardship - my perceived failure - of building a brand. Harder still when my business is arguably influenced by eating disorder traits, like I took my pain in 2015 and repurposed it into purpose. Working hard on a product that when I don’t achieve the validation I seek and crave is the product I come to rely on, often eat too much of, to boost my self-esteem and make me feel good instead.
As with anything that needs validating, being told I'm ok, you're good, this helps my mental frame of mind, but it doesn't change the physicality of where I'm at; my business projectory doesn't change. I'm stuck on a roundabout, like until I'm quote-unquote 'successful' there'll always be a void to fill.
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