Without sounding morbid, or aggressive, what will it take for others to understand the severity of eating disorders? Does it take no longer being here to realise the extent of someone's mental health issues; to broach the subject of their unhappiness, suffering; punishing themself for it, and all in silence?
What does it take? For us to feel confident and comfortable in talking about intrusive thoughts the second they creep into our heads. Not just eating disorder victims but anyone influenced by diet culture rules. Similar to how we can admit to not getting a job or discuss a recent argument with friends - we need to create a safe and supportive space to normalise the topic of eating disorder behaviour. I personally don’t, won’t, can’t mention my fear of weight gain because I feel ashamed and dread the response.
Diet culture, unfortunately, influences majority of us, a universal money-making industry that leaves no one unscathed. To some, giving up carbs during the week is deemed ‘normal’. Dieting before a holiday is 'normal'. Wanting abs and cellulite-free skin is ‘normal’. Worst of all, it’s ‘normal’ to think or comment about weight gain or loss - body change in any capacity - on ourselves as well as people we know! A visible indication and judgement of ‘better’ or ‘worse’ (depending on the opinion).
Recovery, ironically, is the return of a ‘normal’ state of health, the body shape and size I need to function properly. Regaining control of what I lost and finding my inner voice again. A good thing. Yet the stigma attached to recovery in itself is too strong, abnormal and thus alienating.
Even after I consciously chose to seek therapy in 2019 and start recovering from my eating disorder - eight years after my first experience in 2012 - it still took me over a year to admit to it. The words ‘eating disorder’, 'disordered thoughts', 'fear of food', 'exercise obsession', any synonym of these never crossed my nor anyone else’s lips. Even when friends and family knew I was seeing someone, it wasn't a secret.
I am also guilty of playing a role and defending diet culture. I only feel inspired to talk about my eating disorder when I am no longer associated with being 'ill'. I barely spoke about therapy or my progress whilst it was happening - and still avoid saying 'eating disorder' out loud. I never mention the extent of how bad it really was, the pain it still causes me; I avoid the specificity, tread on eggshells and my hide mental health issues - like it doesn't really exist - in plain sight. Just a part of my past.
Denial is 'normal'. To protect ourselves, perhaps. Whereas I naively want others to agree and say they understand, that they too worry about weight gain and often put rules in place to prevent it - we want to be seen as 'fine', not having something 'wrong' with us. So when others stay silent, to avoid judgement or shame, I stay silent too. Fitting in and being accepted is far more superior than being identified as someone in recovery.
Unfortunately, the more we hide behind disordered thoughts, the more cycle repeats itself in others.
We need more support. Observation, mindfulness, noticing diet culture and rising above it. A smaller you is not a better you. Your body may change but your worth will not - and I am sorry if you went to extreme measures to chase these beliefs. I learned the hard way and it has taken me years of trying to shrink myself and take up less space to realise this lost, wasted, time is never coming back. I am still missing out on experiences because recovery does not happen overnight.
This life is ours and we only get one take.
What will it take you?
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