I was talking to my sister and mentioned that I didn't want to go to a bottomless brunch that my friends had proposed. "Is it because you don't want to drink?" Yes, absolutely, bang on, she hit the nail on the head.
The eating disorder has taught me to worry. I'm a worrier. I worry about a lot, especially now that I have out-loud admitted to living with a mental health illness.
I worry because I am worried about me in situations - mostly ones that have not even occurred yet. I overthink and lose sleep because I worry the situation isn't the best or right thing for what I want; it could even be a waste. For example, drinking. Do I want to go to a restaurant that hasn't got good reviews (yes, I Googled), drink lukewarm Prosecco (the eating disorder makes me restrict alcohol, I believe it is 'bad') and risk weight gain? Well, when I put it that way, absolutely not.
The eating disorder wants me to revert back to old behaviour traits. To stay in a 'safe' space in my comfort zone, I will be 'better' there. It is borderline selfish, as my sister pointed out; I don't compromise or think about the other party - they might love the plan and want to drink the night away. Why should I suggest an alternate restaurant and get my way? Instead, I worry and panic because the eating disorder worries and panics. It has taught me to go straight to the details that supposedly 'matter' and that, shamefully, I believe are incremental to the plan (how I look, what will happen to my body if I go through with said plan). I don't see others' enjoyment in any given scenario nor prioritise the event as a nice catch up with friends. I just see me.
These thoughts mostly resurface when my social calendar is full - to me, that's over three nights out a week. I am also not confident enough in my recovery to back myself and do me. To go to an event, worry free; drink if I want to but also not drink if I don't want to. To have no fear of judgement and be a 'normal' twenty-something girl, not the 'ill' eating disorder friend who's "clearly not better yet".
To worry less is to beat the eating disorder. To ignore its voice and undo its beliefs. To learn that I am good enough to deserve enjoyment and show up as I am. I wouldn't wish this lifestyle upon anyone - so why am I the exception?
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