March 31st 2022
Tonight I really wanted yoghurt for dessert; having normalised all types and brands of chocolate, yoghurt has not featured on my ‘safe’ list of foods for a while.
I am not intolerant - I ate it everyday at University, a staple in my fridge - but as I became more obsessed with clean-eating and the plantbased movement, dairy in general became a more fearful food group*. It dropped off my shopping list around 2017 when I resorted to restricting and avoiding it to prevent cellulite.
Today I took the plunge and bought a mango and passionfruit yoghurt. Just what I wanted. When it came to sitting down and enjoying it, though, I freaked out and put myself off. What I can only describe as feeling instantly ‘unhealthy’, like I had gained cellulite having not even put a spoonful to my mouth. (It didn't help that I made an error and bought one with a cream layer - not very appealing).
Writing this, I understand how strange it sounds. How can someone feel 'brave' buying a yoghurt? Of all things, yoghurt. And then be scared to eat it? What some people often wish they were buying instead of other snacks, and what most people eat as part of their daily diet.
This is me providing true insight into how an eating disorder can control my food and drink choices, how it influences my very wants and needs. Regardless of not even wanting chocolate, I was scared to try something new. Scared of the aftermath; if prior to eating it I felt worried, imagine how it would make me feel afterwards, what would my head tell me then? In retrospect, I would have probably felt proud, proud for ignoring this restrictive voice and satisfying real cravings.
However ridiculous it sounds, I am afraid to speak up about living with an eating disorder for this very reason. The shame around thoughts like this, wasting valuable time on choices as insignificant as this - and yet to me this choice is of huge value. One that could take me one step further in recovery (if I ate the damn yoghurt) or keep me in my comfort zone (like tonight).
Debates like this are a regular occurrence, what really goes on behind the easily-hidden facade of an eating disorder. Fear holds me back, the panic, worry, overthinking 'what if' scenarios is all-consuming, enough to make me halt all well-intentioned plans and retreat to my comfort zone.
All over a yoghurt.
*Interestingly, cheese, in moderation, is allowed. Restricted, but allowed. Only yoghurt I am struggling to overcome.
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